2026-27 Student Leadership Predictions and Recap:

• All School President-elect will likely fail to deliver on promises about senior parking and off-campus lunch.
• Senior class president candidates continue to make false promises about senior parking and off-campus lunch.
• Junior Class President says prom will be the best it ever has been.
• Prefects are split into the half that does work and the half that puts it on their college applications.
• Proctors promise free laundry again.
• Head ambassadors will try to convince people that they are real student leaders.

Warner Dorm Burns Down Because Firetruck Unable To Make It Over Speedbumps

This Saturday at 12:34 p.m., a local area student was attempting to microwave $5 snack bar ramen without realizing the implications of using a metal bowl. Luckily, no Warner residents were injured in the accident, as the dormitory was largely unoccupied due to the boys blowing off a mandatory school event elsewhere on campus.

Due to Warner’s remote location on the far end of campus, the fire went unnoticed until the commotion caused by the firetrucks. Several students later admitted to noticing the smoke, but saying, “it just looked like fog or something.”

To make up for it, the administration offered one additional sleep-in pass for the Warner boys, which they took advantage of the following morning.

Prom Committee Acts Like No One Knows the Theme

The Prom Committee has finally announced the theme and location of prom. After 5 late morning meeting announcement slot requests, they played a video they had made the night before. To no one’s surprise, the theme was enchanted garden, something impossible to figure out from the “cryptic” letters they gave us. 

Tickets are now on sale, not really… they are $125 for the 4th year in a row.

Samuel Hendricks ‘26 to Reclass in Order to Continue All-School Chess Match

When asked to comment Hendricks said, “Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut labore et dolore magna aliqua”

BREAKING NEWS

Administration claims dining hall serving steak and lobster has “nothing to do with the trustee presence on campus this weekend”

LFA senior wins bodybuilding competition from opening Corbin door

LFA student spends more money on DoorDash than an annual faculty salary

LFA offers spring break trips to Bora Bora, Bali and five minutes with Ned Koh ‘23

Sophomores and Juniors to gather in Reid Hall for 5th PSAT readiness test

Annual Fogo de Chao trip cancelled due to STU-based chicken thigh shortage